ok you guys are right about a lot. Husband has become an isolated, closed off person with a diminishing world view. He is increasingly angry at the world and everyone in it. He likes to obsess about ways to "stick it" to someone that he feels deserves it. He is definitely not a "live and let live" person anymore. I call him a "grumpy old man" to my friends.
I have placated him a lot and tried to take on more of the life responsibility so he can focus on being pain free. I'm trying to keep the peace and then I go out and do with friends what I no longer can do with him (go for walks, restaurants, hang out). It's not working. I need to stand up to him.
My baby has taught me- If I'm not happy I need to scream at the top of my lungs until someone fixes it. And keep yelling until I am happy.
So next time I'm putting my foot down. I'll tell him to stop meddling in my decisions and to support me in my decisions. If I want to be under-employed and have a boss that kind of makes me jump through hoops- then that's my decision. Its not actually hurting anyone. Maybe its costing me money (in commuting) but that's the price for most jobs.
Anyways- to update about yesterday. After lots of arguing- Husband told me to do what I want to do. What I want to do is talk to boss about being allowed to feed in the guard gate parking lot. She said no family members can come through the guard gate- so maybe that spot will work. And I'll talk to her about requesting vacation time off. If I'm not happy with her response then I'll quit. But its my decision. Not my husbands who has never even met my boss.
We went through a lot of arguing to get to that point. Wasted the whole day.
Husband suggested I keep working till I found another job. I told him Looking for a job IS a job and asked him how many hours he will be willing for me to hole up on the computer each week during my time off work. He was annoyed about that thinking I'm being dramatic. He thinks I can just get a job if I want one.
I told husband I think I should stay at home and fix this baby. Shes not sleeping in her crib. Not sleeping through the night. Not taking a bottle. I'll live off our savings and be a SAHM. Husband didn't like the idea of going through our savings that way. He didn't really pick up on the theme of "I'll attack your job (taking care of baby) since your attacking mine." Cant even hit him where it hurts.
I asked him to get a job since mine is not working out for him. That set off an argument.
Finally we just wore each other out.
He understood its not a good idea to quit a job when nothing is lined up. Especially if the rentals go vacant (as they did last summer). I understood that my job does not bring in $1k a month as my paycheck implies because of cost of gas.
So I'll talk to my boss today.
I posted my complaints yesterday because often you guys have good arguing points, or a perspective I hadnt considered. But yesterday you made it clear that husband is overstepping his boundaries and I need to point that out to him.
I was hoping that allowing him some control over things would make him feel better. But his world view has become so skewed and angry that I don't trust his opinion anymore.
He is seeing a therapist. For a few years. Maybe its time for couples therapy.
Not Quitting the job...I guess?
March 28th, 2014 at 01:32 pm
March 28th, 2014 at 01:53 pm 1396014786
Husband and boss drama aside, I am worried about your baby. From what I have read she is not eating for long stretches of time (4 hours?)and then only breastfeeding for 30 minutes. Is that enough for her? And she started refusing the bottle the week you started this job? Babies don't have a lot of way to communicate other than crying, but it sounds like yours is really trying to tell you something. She wants you. If your husband really is a grump to be around like you said above, can it really be much fun for her to spend the day with him while she's hungry? I don't know your whole situation, but from what I have gone back and read it seems like your baby is as unhappy as you are. I sounds like you really like working with animals, but your baby will only be a baby once and she is developing everyday. There will always be more animal jobs, but your baby will only be this young right now.
I agree that your husband need to find a way to add income to the family. There are lots of disabled people out there pulling in paychecks. Your husband sounds like a spoiled brat.
March 28th, 2014 at 02:15 pm 1396016117
You are in a difficult situation. You're married to a difficult man, and working for a difficult boss. With low pay, to boot. Believe me, that resonates with me -- I've been there!
I often think about what I would do if I could go back and do it over. My biggest regret about that time in my life is that I didn't focus on what was best for the children. So my recommendation to you is, put the demands of the husband and the boss on the back burner, and do what's best for the baby. Whatever that is! I can't tell you what that is, but I think you probably know in your heart. If you look at it from her perspective, things may become more clear.
March 28th, 2014 at 02:16 pm 1396016202
That said, baby will never take the bottle if you coddle her like that. She may not be taking the bottle because husband is not supportive. That may be a lot of it. (I am not worried about your baby at all, women work all the time and babies do just fine). My youngest was the one that refused the bottle when I returned to work after 6 months, but we probably got lazy and weren't great at giving him bottles while I was home; getting him used to them. (HE got over it after a day or two or three of me not being there). My eldest never had a complaint but he mostly never ate while I was at work. I returned to work very early and he needed supplements from Day 1, so it just wasn't a big adjustment for him. But he still preferred mommy and so made his own wacky feeding schedule. & Both of them couldn't be more healthy and robust.
What I did have, that made it work, was a supporting husband and a flexible job. Reading your last post I felt like maybe it was the "right job" for you but just not the "right time". To be fair, I was able to come home and feed my babies every single day for lunch. I can see that your current schedule is stressful for husband and baby and maybe you can find something that works a little better.
On one hand, this time is very short. My kids certainly weaned very young as they were also bottle fed. BUT, I also kind of feel like your husband probably won't make it easy on you - there will always be *something*. If he doesn't take more responsibility.
March 28th, 2014 at 02:35 pm 1396017317
Dear Tasha,
I can offer nothing other than: I hope that today is better than yesterday and that you have a positive compromise with your boss.
I have been guilty of being the one at home, giving advice to my DH on what I *think* he should do to make his situation better. And in my persistence, I nagged. He shut off or down and we didn't communicate. Since we've never had communication problems in the past, it was easy for me to blame him and the job, not quite seeing how I was coming across. I do believe that as a stay at home spouse, it is my job to be supportive of whatever decision my spouse makes. I can be helpful by showing him the financial outcomes of his decision and seeing what I can do to ease his burden (whether it be not talking and only listening, looking online for jobs, etc.)
I hope you can get some support from your husband.
Anyhow, take care and please let us know how it goes.
Laura
March 28th, 2014 at 02:42 pm 1396017738
Ask yourself if you want your daughter growing up with the relationship between you and your husband as the model for her future relationships. If not, you need to rethink the marriage. Your husband needs to change to make it work. And you need not to tolerate his abuse in the meantime.
In your shoes, I would seek some counseling and start looking into divorce. You need to do what's best for you and your daughter.
March 28th, 2014 at 03:56 pm 1396022193
March 28th, 2014 at 04:05 pm 1396022725
Has he made any progress with the therapist, in the past couple of years? It kind of seems like he hasn't if current behavior is any indication. My husband saw a counselor too, for about a year after our one year of marriage counseling. Marriage counselor suggested it, as marriage counseling was fruitless. Husband's behavior improved while seeing the counselor, and when finished he reverted back.
The counselor I see now has a focus with addiction. We work on coping skills to help me cope better with my husband's behavior. Note that this is not to "improve our communication" or "make our marriage better". There is a limit to how "good" a marriage can be when you are married to an immature, emotionally abusive partner.
The only regret I have is that it took me as long as it did to realize who my husband actually was. I can look back and realize. . . that I'm kind of damaged and I would have married someone emotionally very like him if I hadn't married him. Learning coping/standing up to skills right now is the best thing I've done to help both me and him, and our daughter.
Again - take it for what it's worth - free advice from a stranger on the internet.
Another Reader, I'm a different blogger than Petunia 100. She blogs more now; I blogged more in the past.