Well to update on my latest posts:
I talked to my employer about the concerns that have been brought up. She told me several times she is not trying to "lose me" as an employee but she needs to keep things fair. Using the guard gate parking lot is not feasible to meet husband and feed. So I'll try meeting him down the street at a gas station parking lot. She's not giving me extra time to commute but I'm sure I can take an extra 5 -10 mins and it wont be a problem providing I'm not late to provide a barn service (like a trail ride or lesson). I think she is cautious about telling me "yes" on special requests because she's afraid of exactly what is happening now- me getting special permission for something. I'm GUESSING the newest employee asked or thought he could bring his kids around an didn't understand that he couldn't because he sees my husband pull up regularly.
I asked about taking 4 consecutive days off to go out of town. Boss said absolutely after Easter. That is the start of our slow season where several horses will be leaving and things will relax. She told me to look up airfare and talk to family and give her the dates I'm requesting off.
So I feel that things at work have kind of been addressed.
At home things are better too. Husband and I kind of "cleared the air" during our day of fighting. So yesterday everything was good.
Husband made a big effort to feed the baby solids yesterday in an attempt to get baby accepting solids as a meal replacement during my shorter 6 hr shifts. That means he would only need to come out to meet me on my lunch break 2x week during my 9 hr shifts.
We started baby on solids about 2 weeks ago. For the most part she will accept 5-6 spoonfuls before turning her head and pushing the spoon away. They are not full mouthfuls. She kind of lets the food sit in her mouth while she stares at you and it just dribbles down her chin. Then after a minute she will swallow what is left.
Yesterday during my 6 hr shift, husband fed baby 3x and she only started having a meltdown the last 30 minutes before I arrived home. So I feel we are on the "other side of the hill" regarding this eating problem. Hopefully things will continue to improve and driving out to meet me for feedings is very short term.
And I'm HOPING that when the baby is regularly eating solids during my work shifts- she wont feel the need to feed all night long as a way to recoup those lost meals. And maybe we can get some sleep! I'm hoping that is why the baby is only sleeping for an hour or two long stretches at night.
But you know what? I have a masters degree. I did the research while I was pregnant. I have tried DOZENS of tips and methods-
AND I LEARNED THAT I GIVE UP!
The baby has beaten me. I cant get her to do anything she doesnt want to do. I don't know what I'm doing. I have always been able to train dogs beautifully and felt pretty confident when I got pregnant that I was educated, I had the resources, I knew the research- I could totally handle a baby and I would do it BETTER than all those mom's with no sleep and crazy heathen toddlers.
But I was wrong. I give up. I have a happy, laughing, animated baby who is meeting all the milestones and doing it while coyly refusing the bottle and screaming to be held when placed in her crib at night. So husband and I are jumping through hoops to get her food- and the darn baby is sleeping in the bed with me (I SWORE THIS WOULD NOT HAPPEN!).
But if its not this it will be something else. I'm sure some other baby curve ball is around the corner. I give up. I don't know how to grow a baby. I throw up my hands. I'll let the baby lead the way and we will follow along making sure she is headed towards becoming a happy and healthy toddler.
Archive for March, 2014
Well to update on my latest posts:
ok you guys are right about a lot. Husband has become an isolated, closed off person with a diminishing world view. He is increasingly angry at the world and everyone in it. He likes to obsess about ways to "stick it" to someone that he feels deserves it. He is definitely not a "live and let live" person anymore. I call him a "grumpy old man" to my friends.
I have placated him a lot and tried to take on more of the life responsibility so he can focus on being pain free. I'm trying to keep the peace and then I go out and do with friends what I no longer can do with him (go for walks, restaurants, hang out). It's not working. I need to stand up to him.
My baby has taught me- If I'm not happy I need to scream at the top of my lungs until someone fixes it. And keep yelling until I am happy.
So next time I'm putting my foot down. I'll tell him to stop meddling in my decisions and to support me in my decisions. If I want to be under-employed and have a boss that kind of makes me jump through hoops- then that's my decision. Its not actually hurting anyone. Maybe its costing me money (in commuting) but that's the price for most jobs.
Anyways- to update about yesterday. After lots of arguing- Husband told me to do what I want to do. What I want to do is talk to boss about being allowed to feed in the guard gate parking lot. She said no family members can come through the guard gate- so maybe that spot will work. And I'll talk to her about requesting vacation time off. If I'm not happy with her response then I'll quit. But its my decision. Not my husbands who has never even met my boss.
We went through a lot of arguing to get to that point. Wasted the whole day.
Husband suggested I keep working till I found another job. I told him Looking for a job IS a job and asked him how many hours he will be willing for me to hole up on the computer each week during my time off work. He was annoyed about that thinking I'm being dramatic. He thinks I can just get a job if I want one.
I told husband I think I should stay at home and fix this baby. Shes not sleeping in her crib. Not sleeping through the night. Not taking a bottle. I'll live off our savings and be a SAHM. Husband didn't like the idea of going through our savings that way. He didn't really pick up on the theme of "I'll attack your job (taking care of baby) since your attacking mine." Cant even hit him where it hurts.
I asked him to get a job since mine is not working out for him. That set off an argument.
Finally we just wore each other out.
He understood its not a good idea to quit a job when nothing is lined up. Especially if the rentals go vacant (as they did last summer). I understood that my job does not bring in $1k a month as my paycheck implies because of cost of gas.
So I'll talk to my boss today.
I posted my complaints yesterday because often you guys have good arguing points, or a perspective I hadnt considered. But yesterday you made it clear that husband is overstepping his boundaries and I need to point that out to him.
I was hoping that allowing him some control over things would make him feel better. But his world view has become so skewed and angry that I don't trust his opinion anymore.
He is seeing a therapist. For a few years. Maybe its time for couples therapy.
I'm sorry I have not checked in- things were settling into a nice routine and there were not much financial goings on.
Today that has all changed. (sad face)
I am settling into my current equestrian job after working there nearly 2 months. My husband has never liked me working there and I often felt conflicted -trying to please my husband and my boss.
My boss is not very good with time management and requests more tasks to be completed than my shift allows. Or she'll give me a time consuming task shortly before my shift ends. Or she will schedule my shift to end as large daily tasks need to be performed. Because of this I routinely stay 30 mins - 1 hr beyond my scheduled shift. My husband hates that because he is expecting me home at a specific time and he is often ready to hand the baby to me. So I'm often feeling like I let my boss down when I leave with tasks not completed. Or I stay at work and listen to my husband curse and whine that I'm not home when expected.
I requested a weekend off from work and was told that I'm not done with my 60 day probation time so I am not allowed to request time off. I work part time and gave my availability as "anytime day or night" and now that seems to be biting my ass. I cant really plan any outside activities because I might be working- but it's a part time job so I was expecting more flexibility. Husband is trying to get me to request off a 4 day period next month so we can travel to visit his grandparents- and I'm afraid to ask- I'm afraid it wont be allowed and it will cause a fight with my husband.
My husband does not feel that my hourly pay is worth the 30 minute each way commute. He thinks I am spending too much money in gas/ mileage to warrant my paycheck.
Also the baby refused to take a bottle starting the week I started working. For the past 2 months- husband has driven baby to me on my lunch break so I can feed her. This is a big inconvenience to husband and he hates how much he is spending in gas to do this.
The final straw came today where husband is demanding that I quit.
My boss told me that she cannot allow my husband to drive the baby to my work anymore for me to feed her. It's private property and technically no employee friends or families are allowed within the guard gates. But she allowed it thinking it was a short term request but it has persisted and now someone has complained. I'm not sure if it was a client or another staff member but my boss just said its not fair to the other staff and she cannot allow it to continue. I have to drive off property to meet husband and feed her. But I only get a half hour for lunch and she wont extend my lunch to accommodate my commute time cutting into the feeding. Husband is furious and says we should sue. Obviously I'm not going to do that but now husband is even less supportive of my job. He felt inconvenienced before and now he's not even allowed on the property when he felt he was disrupting his day to drive out there and back.
And in the same conversation my boss told me that my pre-determined lunch breaks are not working out. She said the barn has a dynamic schedule and she cant have me going off to lunch as the barn needs me. So me going off to take lunch when husband drives up is not working. She needs me to take lunch when there is down time- not when my husband shows up. From my perspective I'm trying to schedule husband to come during downtime- but I still have to coordinate him to come out in advance..he drives 30 mins- I cant just have him appear on a moments notice.
Bottom line is husband is not supportive of this job. He's telling me to find something closer to home. He wants me to find a part time job close to home that pays more. When I told him jobs are hard to find and its not very easy to get them- he told me to go work in a gas station- maybe it will pay the same but at least I wont be spending my paycheck commuting.
Mentally I think he is embarrassed that I work in a barn. He doesn't like telling people what I do- he doesn't like bending over backwards for a job he thinks is beneath me (or him). He describes my job to me with such anger and disgust like I'm so much better than it. He thinks my employer is taking advantage of me and that I'm overqualified for the job.
So to stop his ranting and anger- I told him I'll quit if he can cut our budget to accommodate the loss of my income. He said we will cut out cable, the house cleaner and his monthly massages.
He thinks I'll have another job in a few weeks and that I should spend as much time with the baby as I can before I go back to work.
He doesn't even want me to give 2 weeks notice to my current employer. He thinks I should just stop going.
So we are fighting.
I'm so disappointed this job didn't work out. I'm so disappointed that my husband who has never had an office job or tried to get a job (and is certainly not volunteering to find a job now) thinks I should just walk out my front door and find a replacement job that pays better, has better hours and allows me to set my own schedule around family trips and the babies needs.
Well I reworked the budget to accommodate our cleaning service and monthly massage membership. I talked to husband about the budget as I did it.
I re-routed my paycheck from the attic renovation to paying for these luxuries and our monthly spending.
I made it clear that we are in trouble if I lose my job because it is paying for his spending allowance and massages. That should stop all negative talk regarding how my job is burdening the family.
Since August I've been tracking our net worth on a monthly spreadsheet. I'm thrilled to report that most months, our net worth increases. Primarily due to retirement account increases. I'm SO HAPPY to be out of a situation where we are losing massive amounts of money. I know we are not adding to our net worth actively, but we are not taking a sledgehammer to it anymore either.
Just a good day all around. I can pay my bills. In full. Loving it!
Things are going well over here in Tasha-land. I'm still working at the horse farm and I'm finally feeling like I have a solid hang of things. The only riding I am doing is leading trail rides- but I'm staying in the equestrian industry which is important to me.
The baby is doing well. We feel like we kind of have a hang on her as well. She's still not sleeping through the night. She's still refusing a bottle. We are starting her on some solids now to get her weight up. I'm refusing to sweat this stuff. Common problems. Could be much worse. Time to get over it.
Husband is doing ok. He was turned down for govt disability again- which a big blow for us and our budget. When husband went before a judge 3 months ago it seemed like the judge understood everything. But the paperwork explaining the disability denial makes it seem like the judge did not remember the hearing. The explanation goes into detail regarding husband's first back surgery- which he had some pain relief. But his second back surgery is what disabled him. And the paperwork indicates the judge did not read the file thoroughly enough to see there was a second surgery and the impacts it had on husband's body. So there is room to argue- we are appealing. But its been almost 2.5 years now and we are at the last appeal option. So a little more patience I guess. Of course getting the disability denied blows my budget to hell and I've gotta rework some stuff. Tomorrow I'll work on it.
We are still waiting to hear if husband is eligible for this experimental treatment being done by an out of state Dr.
I broke down and got a house cleaner. I spend 30 hrs a week doing physical labor- I have no motivation to clean when I got home. Husband has not cleaned once since the baby was born. The house had reached a new level of dirtiness not previously seen. I really don't want to argue with husband that he needs to clean while I'm at work. That will open an argument that he watches the baby for me and I'm not earning enough money for the burden my job is putting on the family.
So I had two cleaning women come out for $100. They spent a total of 6 hrs cleaning and it SPARKLES. I wont get into the irony that they make 50% more than I do. This house cleaning service is an addiction I cant shake. I'm hooked. They are coming back again next month.
So I need to rework the budget anyways to account for this new housekeeping service.
Between husband being denied disability, my house cleaning service, and the monthly massage membership I gave husband for valentines day- I'm re-routing my paycheck from saving for the attic renovation to paying for our spending and these new expenses.
It seems a little absurd that I'm underemployed, our family increased by a baby, we lost a ton of money in 2013, and yet we are adding a house keeping service and massage membership. Yes. I understand its totally illogical. All I know is that right now I'm trying to find stable ground on a regular basis. I'm still fighting to get back money ex business partners owes me. I'm trying to balance baby with the rest of my priorities. I'm trying to give the baby the life I want her to have and be the mom she can admire and respect. That image includes a clean house and a father with a little less pain in his day. And a mom who follows her passion to work with horses. And I cant actually accomplish all of those things at the same time right now. So I have outsourced some of it. And that means our attic renovation has been delayed until I learn to do it all without the outsourcing, or we generate some added revenue. We'll see what happens.
That's about it. The rentals are pretty calm right now. I look forward to reading about everyone's progress.